Whither vinegar?

For those of you who don't know, I'm a vinegar comedian. This means I explore the comedic, ironic, and satiric possibilities inherent in vinegar. If you see me in action, it's unforgettable, you'll be "pickled" pink! [pickled-->tickled, see ;-)]

I didn't use to be such a comedic craftsman, though. If you'll let me wax nostalgic for a minute, I'll transport you back to my first bit. (doodoodoo! doodoodoo!) Well, I was downstairs at my house. My sister was sitting on the couch. And I looked on the table, and bam! Right there was a large jug of vinegar. I was just struck with such inspiration, like I was possessed. So I just picked up the vinegar, held it in my hands, and looked at my sister with a neutral expression. And that was it! I bust out laughing, it was so goddamn funny. Just me, standing there, with the vinegar, this blank expression on my face. My sister didn't get it, she told me to fuck off or something, but I knew in my heart that I'd struck comedy gold. And my fate has been sealed since that day.

My art has advanced so much since then. All I have to do is feel the sloshy heft of a huge jug of vinegar in my hands, and ideas start eating their way through my brain. I soon pioneered the "hold a jug of vinegar with a devious expression" routine. I leapt to the "loom over someone, blankfaced, with the vinegar" bit. From there it was a natural progression to "I'm standing there with the vinegar when you enter the room, turn around, or turn a corner." But I couldn't stop there. Taking inspiration from Andy Kaufman and Zen Buddhism, I developed a piece where I leave the vinegar in an unexpected place!! Just the other day, I unveiled my latest project, "purposefully leave the room while carrying the vinegar," and I couldn't feel better.

So I've been feeling really good lately about my vinegar comedy. It's been a long time since I hefted my first briny jug. I really have a career I can be proud of, and I've been on the bleeding edge of the medium since day one. It kinda makes me a little nervous, though. It's like, with so much success, what's next? There's this constant pressure to innovate, to come up with pieces that aren't just funny, but subtle, meaningful, paradigm changing. Part of me wonders if, after covering so much territory, there are any possibilities left? But then I smile and remember that it's vinegar were talking about here, the possibilities are endless.

I feel like I'm standing on a diving board above a huge pool of vinegar. I get butterflies in my stomach when I look down. I can feel a slight burning in my nasal passages. But I know there's only one thing to do: dive right in.

Is this what whistling is?

Shhhthththeehhhh! Is this whistling?

Chlthhhhhhshsh! Is this whistling?

Pkshleeeethsh! Is this whistling?

Thsssthhhhsslp! Is this whistling?

(I'm not sure if I know how to whistle.)

Sweet Chin Music

Hey, readers, sorry it's been so long since I've updated. I've been busy with work.

But guess what? Last night I talked to a girl. We talked about professional wrestling. Well, I talked about professional wrestling, and she listened about professional wrestling. At least she appeared to be listening. She exhibited all the behaviors a person would exhibit when they're listening. I guess it's some kind of subjective thing. You know, I can't really get inside her head and have objective knowledge that she was listening when I was talking about Ric Flair and Shawn Michael's Sweet Chin Music (a move where he kicks a dude in the chin), but really, I was satisfied from observing her behavior that she was listening, and that's all you can realistically hope for.

On an unrelated note, does anyone else really like robot movies? By which I don't just mean movies that feature robots, I mean movies that thoughtfully deal with robot issues. Like the issues of being a robot. I can really identify with the robot protagonists in a thoughtful robot movie.

Feelings: what.

My name is Ev and I have a problem. Hmmm, maybe not a problem, that implies a lot. An issue, perhaps? Still too negative. A thing. Yes, a thing. My name is Ev and I have a thing. (Have I said too much already?)
You know when you were a kid and you start to like girls? (Gosh, that sure made a lot of assumptions about the reader's sexual orientation and even age.) Let's just say that I was a kid and I started to like girls. As a boy. Because it's different if your experience of gender is different. I just don't want to assume any similarities between myself and the readers of this blog.
Well, a lot of stuff happened right around then and some of that was teasing. Teasing from classmates, teasing from siblings, even teasing from my parents. Just because I was starting to like girls. So, that was definitely a thing that happened in my life.
I've got to go to work so that wraps it up for this blog post, yay! I guess I'll just have to talk about my thing some other time, oh well. It's pretty complex, I wouldn't want to rush it.